WEIRD AL YANKOVIC lyrics - Close But No Cigar

Jillian was her name

She was sweeter than aspartame

Her kisses reconfigured my DNA

And after that I never was the same



And I loved her even more than

Marlon Brando loved souffle

She was gorgeous, she was charming

Yeah, she was perfect in every way



Except she was always using the word "infer"

When she obviously meant "imply"

And I know that somw guys can put up with that kinda thing

But frankly, I can't imagine why



And I told her, I said "Hey"

Are we playin' horseshoes, honey?

No I don't think we are

You're close (close) but no cigar



Then I met sweet young Janet

Prettiest thing on the planet

Had a body hotter than a Habanero

She had lips like a ripe pomegranate



And I was crazy like Manson about her

She got me all choked up like Mama Cass

She had a smile so incredibly radiant

You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass



I thought after all these years of searching around

I'd found my soulmate finally

But one day I found out she actually owned a copy

Of Joe Dirt on DVD



Oh no, I said "Hey"

Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo?

No, I don't think we are

You're close (close), aw, so very close (close)

Yeah baby, you're close (close), so close, but no cigar



Aw yeah, aw no, aw yeah, aw no, aw right



Julie played water polo

She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo

She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near

My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo



And she was everything I've dreamed of

She moved right up to number one on my list

And did I mention she's a world-famous billionaire

Bikini supermodel astrophysicist?



Yeah, she's so pretty she made Charlize Theron

Look like a big, fat, slobberin' pig

The only caveat was one of her earlobes was just

A little tiny bit too big



I said "Hey"

Are we doin' government work here?

No, I don't think we are

You're close (close), so very, very close (close)

Aw baby, you're close (close), so close, but no cigar



Missed it by that much (no cigar)

Aw yeah, aw right (no cigar)

Really, really, really close, but no cigar